Town Hall Meeting
- The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist.
- The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased.
- A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the townspeople sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch.
- The hypnotist began chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch…”
- The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
- Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist’s fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor.
- “Crap!” said the hypnotist.
- It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.
Maried Man’s Problem
- After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him: “This is all in your mind” and refers him to a psychiatrist.
- After a few visits, the shrink confesses: “I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.” Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
- The witch doctor says: “I can cure this.” He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says: “This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year!
- All you have to do is say ‘1-2-3’ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!”
- The guy then asks the witch doctor: “What happens when it’s over?” The witch doctor says: “All you or your partner has to say is ‘1234’ and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!”
- The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says: “1-2-3” and suddenly he gets an erection.
- His wife turns over and says: “What did you say ‘1-2-3’ for?”
- A West Virginian walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour.
- The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The West Virginian is suitably impressed, and buys it.
- The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY!
- The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what’s wrong, and the West Virginian says, “What’s that noise?”
Gorilla Removal Service
- This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree.
- He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.
- “Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?” the service guy asks.
- “Boy,” is the man’s response. “Oh yeah, I can do it. I’ll be right there.”
- An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs.
- He then gives the man some instructions. “Now, I’m going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls.
- When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla’s testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on.”
- The man asks, “What do I do with the shotgun?”
“If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the dog.”