Archive for November 2, 2009

joke collection – 151

Liverpool

Liverpool were doing dreadful in the premier league so one morning Gerard Houllier pulled his head scout in the office; “I want you to go out and get me the best striker there is” So off went the scout, three weeks had passed and he had travelled all over Europe and America but hadn’t found what he’d been looking for.

As a last result he paid a visit to a small league game in Kosovo. His prayers were answered, in the first half of the match he watched a 16 year old lad take on the whole team five times to score with both feet, a header and a free kick from 40 yards out. The same happened in the second half and the scout decided he was “the one”.

He called Gerrard and explained about this wonderboy to which Gerrard replied “get him, just get him, we’ll set him up in a nice little apartment in Liverpool and pay him well, just get him!!”

This he did and the following Saturday Liverpool were losing 3-0 at Old Trafford at half-time. Houllier decided to send on his new found wonder boy and gave him a run out. Within 20 minutes Liverpool were winning 4-3 and the Kosovian hero had scored all four!!

This went on for the next few games and the whole country loved this guy. He was happy and couldn’t believe how much his life had turned around so he called his mum.

  • “Mum, have you heard, I’m a national hero, I’m the top scorer, I’ve got a 5 year contract and I’m earning £70k a week”
  • “You selfish bugger” she replied “only yesterday your sister was raped, your father was mugged and shot and the house has been burnt down”
  • He replied “but mum, how is all this my fault?”
  • “It was you who made us move to Liverpool!”

 

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joke collection – 150

Little Johnny

Don’t know if you’ve read these, but I’ve just read them this morning and found them funny ones :-) :-)
Smile!

Little Johny at his best

  • Teacher: Why are you late?
  • L-Johnny : Because of the sign.
  • Teacher: What sign?
  • L-Johnny : The one that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow.”
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  • Teacher: Johny, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?
  • L-Johnny : You told me to do it without using tables!
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  • Teacher: Johny, how do you spell “crocodile”?
  • L-Johnny : “K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L”
  • Teacher: No, that’s wrong
  • L-Johnny : Maybe it’s wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!
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  • Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?
  • L-Johnny:”HIJKLMNO”!!
  • Teacher: What are you talking about?
  • L-Johnny : Yesterday you said it’s H to O!
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  • Teacher: George, go to the map and find North America.
  • George: Here it is!
  • Teacher: Correct. Now, Johny, who discovered America?
  • L-Johnny : George!
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  • Teacher: Johny, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
  • L-Johnny : Me!
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  • Teacher: Johny, why do you always get so dirty?
  • L-Johnny : Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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  • L-Johnny : Dad, can you write in the dark?
  • Father: I think so. What do you want me to write?
  • L-Johnny : Your name on this report card.
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  • Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
  • L-Johnny : Don’t bite any.
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  • Teacher: Johny, give me a sentence starting with “I”.
  • L-Johnny : I is…
  • Teacher: No, Johny. Always say, “I am.”
  • L-Johnny : All right… “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”
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  • Teacher: “Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?”
  • L-Johnny : “Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the sameday sametime.”
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  • Teacher: “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn’t punish him?”
  • L-Johnny : “Because George still had the axe in his hand.”
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  • L-Johnny : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
  • Father : No. Why do you ask that?
  • L-Johnny : Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?
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  • Teacher : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots!
  • L-Johnny: Yes it’s really strange. I’ve got another pair of the same at home
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  • Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him,what virtue would I be showing?
  • L-Johnny: Brotherly love.
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  • Teacher: Now, Johny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
  • L-Johnny : No sir, I don’t have to, my mom is a good cook.
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  • Teacher: Johny, your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did u copy his?
  • L-Johnny: No, teacher, it’s the same dog!
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  • Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
  • L-Johnny : A teacher—

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joke collection – 149

Larry Ellison (CEO of Oracle) speech to class of 2001

This is the speech that Larry Ellison (Oracle CEO) gave at Yale University to the graduating class of 2001 last month and he was ushered off the stage because of it:

“Graduates of Yale University, I apologize if you have endured this type of prologue before, but I want you to do something for me. Please, take a good look around you. Look at the classmate on your left.

Look at the classmate on your right. Now, consider this: five years from now, 10 years from now,even thirty years from now, odds are the person on your left is going to be a loser.

The person on your right, meanwhile, will also be a loser. And you, in the middle? What can you expect? Loser. Loserhood. Loser Cum Laude. In fact, as I look out before me today, I don’t see a thousand hopes for a bright tomorrow. I don’t see a thousand future leaders in a thousand industries. I see a thousand losers.

You’re upset. That’s understandable. After all, how can I, Lawrence “Larry” Ellison, college dropout, have the audacity to spout such heresy to the graduating class of one of the nation’s most prestigious institutions?

I’ll tell you why. Because I, Lawrence “Larry” Ellison, second richest man on the planet, am college dropout, and you are not.

Because Bill Gates,richest man on the planet – for now anyway – is a college dropout, and you are not. Because Paul Allen, the third richest man on the planet, dropped out of college, and you did not. And for good measure, because Michael Dell, No.9 on the list and moving up fast, is a college dropout, and you,yet again, are not.

Hmm … you’re very upset. That’s understandable. So let me stroke your egos for a moment by pointing out, quite sincerely, that your diplomas were not attained in vain. Most of you, I imagine, have spent four to five years here, and in many ways what you’ve learned and endured will serve you well in the years ahead.

You’ve established good work habits. You’ve established a network of people that will help you down the road. And you’ve established what will be lifelong relationships with the word “therapy.”

All of that is good. For in truth, you will need that network. You will need those strong work habits. You will need that therapy. You will need them because you didn’t drop out, and so you will never be among the richest people in the world.

Oh sure, you may, perhaps, work your way up to #10 or #11, like Steve Ballmer. But then, I don’t have to tell you who he really works for, do I? And for the record, he dropped out of grad school. Bit of a late bloomer.

Finally, I realize that many of you, and hopefully by now most of you, are wondering, “Is there anything I can do? Is there any hope for me at all?” Actually, no.

It’s too late. You’ve absorbed too much, think you know too much. You’re not 9 anymore. You have a built-in cap, and I’m not referring to the mortarboards on your heads.

Hmm … you’re really very upset. That’s understandable. So perhaps this could be a good time to bring up the silver lining. Not for you, Class of ‘00. You are a write-off, so I’ll let you slink off to your pathetic $200,000-a-year jobs, where your checks will be signed by former classmates who dropped out two years ago. Instead, I want to give hope to any underclassmen here today.

I say to you, and I can’t stress this enough: leave. Pack your things and your ideas and don’t come back. Drop out. Start up. For I can tell you that a cap and gown will keep you down just as surely as these security guards dragging me off this stage are keeping me down…”

(At this point The Oracle CEO was ushered off stage.)

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You can’t change the destiny to be what you want

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