Classic Singaporean jokes
This is really very funny!
Worth praying for
There were four Buddhist monks who played instruments and chanted everyday.
One fine morning, a lady in a mini skirt went into the temple to pray. When the lady knelt down to pray, one of the chanting monks saw the lady tsao k’ng (i.e.exposing herself accidentally). The monk was shocked to see that the woman was not wearing any panties! He felt he had to share this valuable insight with his fellow monks, but also did not wish to alert the lady.
So he began chanting the message: “Wu lang bo chin nai ko….(Someone’s not wearing panties…)”
The monk beside him was playing a tambourine, and he thumped this response:
“Ti-to-lok, ti-to-lok (Where? Where?)”
The third monk, playing a horn, replied: “Duuu… Duuu……..(There! There!)”
Finally, the last and the most righteous monk, sounded his cymbals in disgust:
“Ti ti kua… ti ti kua! (Still peeping! Still peeping!)”
Shoot Out the Lights
Dr . Quek made a routine house call to Mr. Lim, one of his elderly patients.
He asks, “And how are you doing today, Mr. Lim?”
Mr. Lim replies, “I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it’s the strangest thing.
Every night when I get up to pang jio, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door!”
The doctor is worried that the old man is getting senile, so he phones the man’s son, and the son’s wife answers. The doctor tells her, “Mrs. Lim, I’m a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on…”
At which point, Mrs. Lim yells, “Ah Seng! Ah Pa is peeing in the refrigerator again!”
Use Your Noodle
Char Siew Pao and Mee Kia got involved in an argument. Char Siew Pao got very angry and shouted at Mee Kia, “I’m going to find my gang to hantam you!”
So Char Siew Pao went to round up Leng Yong Pau and Tau Sar Pow. Just then,Maggi Mee walked round the corner. Immediately, the Paos started to beat him up.
As Char Siew Pao was punching Maggi Mee, he shouted, “Don’t think just because you perm your hair, we can’t recognise you, okay!”
Udderly ridiculous
How do you address a Hokkien cow’s parents?
Cow peh cow bu.
How do you know frogs are Hokkien?
Because when it’s cold, they go “kwah, kwah, kwah”.
Why is cuttlefish considered kosher to the Hokkiens?
Because it’s Jew Her.
How do Hokkien prawns laugh?
Hae hae hae (hokkien for prawns)
How do Hokkien fish laugh?
Hee hee hee (hokkien for fish)
Let’s Start at the Beginning…
What’s the difference between ang-mor and Hokkien fairy tales?
Ang-mor fairy tales begin with: “Once upon a time…”
Hokkien fairy tales begin with: “Lim Peh ka li ko
Democratic Blasphemy
Why is it that Adam and Eve could not have been Chinese?
Because if Satan took the form of a snake and tempted them to eat the forbidden fruit, Eve would have said, “Quick, Adam! Catch the snake also! Snake also can eat, mah!”
Why is it that Adam and Eve could not have been Malay?
Because if Satan took the form of a snake and tempted them to eat the forbidden fruit, both Adam and Eve would have said to him, “Relac lah! Tomorrow also can eat!”
Why is that Adam and Eve could not have been Indian?
Because they would have conned the snake into eating the apple.
Drive You Mad
One day, Mr. Choe Seng Lee walked into a bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Batam on Business for two days and needed to borrow $5000.
The loan officer said the bank would need some security for the loan.
Mr. Choe then handed over the keys to his Mercedes that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan.
An employee then drove the Mercedes into the bank’s carpark and parked it there.
Two days later Mr. Choe returned and repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $13.07.
The loan officer said, “We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely. But we are a bit puzzled. While you were away, we checked and found that you are a very rich contractor. Why would you need to borrow $5,000?”
Mr. Choe replied, “Aiyah, where else in Singapore can I park my car for 2 days for 13 dollars and with security officers to guard somemore?”
Starting Young
One day, 4 babies were born at K.K. Hospital: a German, a Jewish, a Filipino and a Singaporean.
However, someone mixed up the babies by mistake, and the nurses couldn’t differentiate between them. However, the head sister had a bright idea. She lined the babies up in front of her and exclaimed, “Heil Hitler!”
At hearing this, the German baby raised his arm in a salute, while the Jewish baby soiled his diapers. In the meantime, the Singaporean baby turned to the Filipino baby and said, “Clean that up!”
Can Die
There was this case in a hospital’s intensive care ward where patients always died in the same bed and always on Friday mornings, regardless of their medical conditions. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had to do with the supernatural. So the doctors decided to go down to that particular ward to investigate the cause.
Come Friday morning, everyone at the hospital ward nervously waited for the terrible phenomenon to occur again. Some held wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil…. As the time approached, their hearts began beating anxiously, and with every beat of the clock, everyone held their breath…….. ….
Then Ah Soh, the part-time Friday cleaner, came into the room and unplugged the life support system so that she could use the vacuum cleaner.
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