Archive for June 29, 2009

joke collection – 36

June 29, 2009 at 3:59 pm · Filed under ENGLISH CORNER ·Tagged

The good driver
A patrol car has been following this ehicle for about 30 minutes now, when they
finally decide to pull it over. The officer steps out and walks up to the
driver’s window,”Good afternoon sir”
“Good afternoon officer, any problem?”
“No sir, none at all. I have been following and observing you for a half an hour
now. You have not committed one single traffic violition, you have not gone over
the speed limit, you were courteous towards the fellow drivers on the road.
Therefore, as a part of our new “Better Driving Program”, I would like to
present you with this check for $10,000″

The driver lets out a big sigh of relief…..
“Wonderful good! Now I can finally pay for my driver’s license”

Awkward silence, then the wife sititng in the passenger seat goes, “Don’t listen
to him, officer, he always talks nonsense like that when he has been
drinking…”
Grandma who’s a little hard of hearing adds from the backseat, “You see, you
see! And didn’t I tell you not to go in a stolen car again?”
About this time the trunk pops open and head peeks out, “So, are we over the
border yet?
___________________________________
the bet

A little old lady went into the Bank one day, carrying a bag of money. She asked to speak with the bank of president to open an account because, “It’s a lot of money!” The reluctant staff finally ushered her into his office. The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied,
“$165,000!” and dumped the cash on his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash,

  • he asked her, “Ma’am, where did you get this money?”
  • The old lady replied ,”I make bets” The president then asked, “Bets?” What kind of bets?”
  • The old woman said, “Well ,for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”
  • Ha! laughed the president ,”That’s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!”
  • The old lady challenged ,”So, would you like to take my bet?”
  • “Sure ,”said the president ,”I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!”
  • The old lady said ,”okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?”
  • “Sure!” replied the confident president. That night, he was very nervous about the bet and often checked his balls in the mirror.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the littke old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet :”$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!” The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied.

The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

“Well, Okay,” said the president, “$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.”

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.

  • The president said, “What wrong with your lawyer?”

She replied ,”Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I’d have the Bank president’s balls in my hand!”

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joke collection – 35

June 29, 2009 at 3:55 pm · Filed under ENGLISH CORNER ·Tagged

The Clever Ape
One day, an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television as well as in the newspapers, but no one reported seeing the ape.

At last, the ape was discovered in the New York Public Library. Officials of the zoo and the animal handlers were summoned to the library. They found the ape sitting at a desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him. The ape was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible; the other was a book written by Darwin.

The zookeepers asked the ape what he was doing.
The ape replied, “I’m trying to figure out whether I am my brother’s keeper or my keeper’s brother.”

_______________________________________________
The Dog Fight

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. Osama found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.

They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After five years they came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. It’s cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog.

When the cages were opened,the Dachshund came out of it’s cage and slowly waddled over towards Osama’s dog. Osama’s dog snarled and leaped out of it’s cage and charged the American Dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund opened it’s mouth and consumed the Osama’s dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of his dog.

Osama came up to Bush shaking his head in disbelief. “We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.” “Da’s nothin”, said Boudreaux, the Cajun, representing Bush. “We ‘ad our bess plasic surgins workin’ fo’ five year for to make dat alligator look like a weenie dog.”
_______________________________________________

The Doorbell
A priest was walking down his street one day when he noticed a very small boy trying to press the doorbell on a house. The boy was very short and the doorbell was too high for him to reach.

After watching the boy’s efforts for some time, the priest moved closer to the boy. He crossed the street, walked up behind the little fellow,placed his hand kindheartedly on the child’s shoulder leaned over and gave the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiled benevolently and asked, “And now what, my little man?” To which the boy replied, “Now we run!”

_______________________________________________

The Genie

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie’s lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared.

The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The Genie said,”Nope…due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries,and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So…what’ll it be?”

The woman didn’t hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East.
See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other.”

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed,”Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m good but not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish.”

The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man. You know, one that’s considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time and is faithful.
That’s what wish for …. a good mate.”

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, “Let me see that map again.”

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Kumpulan humor 102

June 29, 2009 at 3:52 pm · Filed under KUMPULAN CANDA-TAWA ·Tagged

Nonton film
Anak I : “Semalam aku diajak ibuku melihat film.”
Anak II : “Bagus?”
Anak I : “Nggak tahulah, aku menangis.”
Anak II : “Menyedihkan ceritanya ?.”
Anak I : “Bukan, karena aku tidak boleh masuk.

Penari Istimewa
Di depan pintu gerbang gedung pertunjukan yang akan mengadakan “Hawaian Night Show”, terpampang sebuah slogan yang bertuliskan:

* “Silakan anda masuk untuk melihat Elaine, penari istimewa yang mempesona. Hanya dengan $10 saja, Anda boleh berdansa sepuasnya dengan Elaine.”
Maka malam itu berduyun-duyun pengunjung membanjiri gedung pertunjukan. Setelah ditunggu dengan tenang oleh para pengunjung, akhirnya dengan didahului bunyi genderang, muncullah Elaine di bawah gemerlap sinar lampu, meliuk-liukkan tubuhnya dengan lincah dan gemulai. Semua pengunjung menahan nafas, terpana dan tidak beranjak dari tempat duduknya.
* Ternyata Elaine adalah seekor ular python betina yang panjangnya lebih dari 5 meter.

NAIK SEPEDA
Seorang guru sekolah sangat jengkel ketika Alec menabraknya dengan sepeda baru yang dinaikinya di taman bermain.
“Tidakkah kamu tahu bagaimana cara menaikinya?” gerutu guru itu.
“Tentu saja aku tahu!” sahut Alec, “cuman saya belum tahu gimana membunyikan bel-nya?!”

DIET
Ny. Netty Gembull akan menikahkan anaknya. Ia pergi ke rumah Nyah Sedap Ahlu, pembuat kue yang tersohor. Ketika Ny. Netty datang, Nyah Sedap baru saja merampungkan pesanan dari langganannya yang berselera ningrat. Maka serta merta Nyah Sedap yang baik hati itu memberikan contoh kuenya, dengan harapan agar Ny, Netty Gembull akan memesan kue yang sama.

* “Nah Ny. Netty silakan mencicipi dulu! Pasti Nyonya akan memilih kue ini, meskipun harganya agak mahal. Namanya saja pesta, kan harus lebih istimewa daripada hari-hari biasa.”
* “Aduh, terima kasih! Maaf saya sedang diet. Saya percaya, pasti kuenya enak.”
* “Kalau begitu tunggu sebentar ya, saya buatkan sari buah saja,” kata Nyah Sedap.
“Ya, bolehlah, terima kasih.”

Nyah Sedap meninggalkan Ny. Netty Gembull sendirian di ruang tamu. Empat potong kue istimewa masih tergolek seolah-olah melambai mengundang selera. Dan rupanya Ny. Netty tergoda juga. Maka dicoleknya rhum manis yang ada di atas kue itu.

Wuah…bukan main enaknya, pujinya dalam hati. Rhum manis yang telah dicicipinya itu telah membakar rasa pengen mencicipi kuenya juga. Mata Ny. Netty melirik ke ruang dalam.

Oohh, Nyah Sedap sedang sibuk di belakang, pikirnya. Kalau begitu kuenya akan aku ambil sepotong, dan yang lainnya akan kutata sedemikian rupa supaya tidak kentara.

Tangan ringan Ny. Netty menjulur maju. Tetapi tiba-tiba ….
* “Ohh, Nyonya sudah nggak diet lagi, ya?” Rupanya suami Nyah Sedap masuk ke ruang tamu. Apa boleh buat!
* Ny. Netty harus berkilah, “Ah … nggak kok! Cuma pengen megang-megang doang.”

SANG PILOT
Seorang pilot yang baru saja lulus dari sekolah penerbangan disuruh komandan untuk mencoba sebuah helikopter. Alangkah malangnya di ketinggian 1000m tiba2x jatuh.
Sang pilot selamat dan ketika diselidiki ternyata tidak ada satupun kesalahan baik dari menara bandara ataupun mesin. Ketika ditanyakan kepada sang pilot, sang pilot berkata bahwa waktu pertama-tama terbang sang pilot tidak merasakan apa2.
Tetapi pada ketinggian 1000 m sang pilot mulai kedinginan.
“Lalu,” kata sang pilot,” kipas yang diatas saya matiin”, katanya.???!!???

DORONGIN DONG
Ketika sepasang suami istri sedang tidur, ada yang ngetuk pintu rumahnya.
Sang suami bangun melihat jam wekernya menunjukkan pukul setengah empat pagi.
Ah buat apa juga dijawab, pikirnya.

Ketukan pintu semakin keras dan si istrinya menyuruhnya membuka pintu.
Dengan setengah tidur, si suami membuka pintu dan melihat di seorang laki-laki berdiri sempoyongan dengan nafas bau alkohol.

* “Bantu dorong dong”, kata si pria itu dengan suara maboknya.
Gila kau, jam sepagi ini. No way! Kata lelaki pemilik rumah dengan kesal.
Orang lagi enak-enak tidur. Lalu ia kembali ke kamar dan bercerita pada istri.
* Namun si istri langsung memarahinya, Kamu gimana sih, nggak mau bantu orang
dalam kesulitan. Ingat nggak waktu mobil kita mogok terus kamu harus gedor-gedor pintu orang minta tolong dorongin mobil. Mana tengah malam lagi! Ayo sana, bantu dia dorongin! Sang suami bersikeras menolak.
* Biar saja, orangnya mabok begitu,tegasnya.
Namun si istri nggak berhenti-hentinya dengan ceramahnya sehingga sang suami
akhirnya beranjak dari tempat tidur, ganti baju dan membuka pintu depan.
* Heey! teriaknya ke jalanan yang terlihat gelap dan sepi.
Masih perlu bantuan dorong, nggak?
Dalam kegelapan ia mendengar jawaban;
* Iya, bantuin dong!
* Sang suami teriak lagi, Kamunya ada dimana?
* Si mabok menjawab, Aku disini, di halaman, di atas ayunan!

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